UNDERSTAND CONFUSION

Diagnosing the Wrong Deficit - NYTimes.com

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 16:00:33 -0400

Diagnosing the Wrong Deficit - NYTimes.com

nevver: Sylvie Reuter

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 06:58:19 -0500

nevver:

Sylvie Reuter

theparisreview: Dear Paris Review, I am currently suffering...

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 13:45:48 -0400

theparisreview:

Dear Paris Review,

I am currently suffering from a major depression, which has caused me to lose my job and my relationship. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist, and I believe and hope I’m beginning to recover. I have been a major reader all my life, but the depression has made it difficult for me to concentrate, so I haven’t been able to read much lately. I’ve been reading bits and pieces of books I’ve read before many times (Darkness Visible,Diving Into the Wreck), trying to get something from them.

I suppose I’m looking for two different types of book as I recover: books that will show me why to live and how, and books that will allow me to escape my present torture. Both need to be pretty easy to follow—for instance, I recently boughtThe Myth of Sisyphus after reading William Styron’s reference too it, but it’s too difficult for my slow brain right now.

Thank you.

Dear friend,

I’ve been where you are and know exactly the state you describe: one of the many distressing aspects of depression is the inability to lose yourself—and for those of us who have always found comfort in books, this is particularly scary. It goes without saying that everyone’s recovery process is different, and without a sense of your exact tastes—although it is clear you are an ambitious and curious reader with wide-ranging interests—it is a little tricky to suggest comfort reads. (After all, that is so bound up with one’s history and associations, no?) But I can tell you what has worked for me, and for some people I know, and hope that the suggestions, and the knowledge that you are in good company, will prove helpful.

My first suggestion might seem counterintuitive, and maybe cheesy, but I can only say that it helped me a lot: reading about depression. I do not mean fiction that deals with depressive episodes—at its best, it’s hideously evocative, at worst it risks romanticizing the subject, and neither is remotely helpful—but, rather, things like You Are Not Alone (whose title alone I found very comforting) and, especially, Kay Redfield Jamison’s memoir, An Unquiet Mind. Your exact experience may not correspond to Dr. Jamison’s—she suffers from bipolar disorder—but I found her struggles and her hard-won successes tremendously inspiring and deeply comforting. It is crucial to be with others who understand, and that applies, I think, to books, too. I happened to hear Dr. Jamison speak once, and she said something that really stuck with me: We don’t tend to hear about, or see, the success stories when it comes to mental-health struggles. Because of the stigma attached, the many, many people who manage to live happy, productive lives are not our poster children. Rather, it is so often the untreated whom we identify with these disorders. You may feel isolated, but you are not alone, and an articulate, compelling reminder of that fact was, to me, a real lifeline.

But that doesn’t really address your questions. As to escape, I think your impulse toward the familiar is a wholesome one. Have you tried going really far back—to childhood? When all else fails, this can work, not least because they tend to be designed for those with short attention spans. And it can be a real pleasure to rediscover John Bellairs, Roald Dahl, or, in my case, Betsy-Tacy. Small increments are also good: have you read The Pillow Book, by Sei Shōnagon? Short stories are an obvious solution, but proceed with caution when selecting. Essays can be easier; Clive James’s brief profiles in Cultural Amnesia are digestible but stimulating, while Davy Rothbart’s recent collection, My Heart Is an Idiot, is heartwarming and sweetly funny (as opposed to ha-ha funny, which is probably not what you are in the mood for). To each his own, of course, but I also find cookbooks and food essays (particularly Laurie Colwin’s Home Cooking (and any early Elizabeth David) useful. They can also help stimulate a flagging appetite. There is a reason soldiers in the trenches of World War I turned to Jane Austen; order is supremely comforting! As far as escapism goes, I would say, don’t be self-critical. If it brings you pleasure and takes you out of yourself, that’s all that matters. I have one friend who enjoys escaping into Georgette Heyer’s Regency romances, while another enjoys the formulaic comfort of mystery series. There’s a reason certain books become best sellers: whatever their literary failings, they take people away. Consider genre fiction, if it will help, and damn the critics!

Life-affirming? Well, there are two things, really: inspirational sentiments and sheer beauty of language. War and Peace, Huckleberry Finn, The Dead, Middlemarch, Disgrace, If on a Winter’s Night a Traveler, A Sentimental Education, The Brothers Karamazov—all these are books that reaffirm, for me, something essentially optimistic. Others—Children of Gebelawi, In Search of Lost Time, One Hundred Years of Solitude, most any Faulkner, The Magic Mountain, Things Fall Apart, The Tale of Genji, Moby-Dick, The Orchard, Pedro Páramo—will simply awe you. If those all seem too daunting, what about poetry? One woman I know says Wordsworth is what got her through the toughest time of her life.

Does this help a little? I hope so. I also hope our readers will contribute more suggestions in the comments section, as I would love to hear from those with a range of points of view. But most of all, have courage, and know how much joy there is out there. You will feel it again.

Controlled crazy

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 13:45:40 -0400

Controlled crazy is being able to restrain from banging your head against the back of the BART seat even though that’s what every inch of your skull is begging you to do. It is humming quietly instead of screaming, the vibrating feeling in your throat can almost produce the same release. It’s when you pretend the tic that got past your sane-guard, a slashing motion under your left jaw, was just a weird way of scratching. Being controlled somedays takes a lot of physical and mental effort.

Midnight snack at the Caltrain station in SF, pit stop on the...

Sun, 10 Jun 2012 03:50:57 -0400

Midnight snack at the Caltrain station in SF, pit stop on the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention overnight walk “Out Of The Darkness”

Caltrain has a team walking tonight, which means a lot to the Palo Alto community. My mother is here (in part) to honor the father of one of her students, who died earlier this year by suicide on the train tracks.

Tetris Shown to Lessen PTSD and Flashbacks

Sat, 28 Apr 2012 11:27:24 -0400

Tetris Shown to Lessen PTSD and Flashbacks

fotojournalismus: Psychiatric Hospital, Vladivostok, Russia,...

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 20:49:08 -0400

fotojournalismus:

Psychiatric Hospital, Vladivostok, Russia, November 1998.

From Black Passport

[Credit : Stanley Greene]

When I was crazy, a year ago, coloring was the only thing calmed...

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 21:56:04 -0400

When I was crazy, a year ago, coloring was the only thing calmed me down. I could rage, sob, pace, or color. I went though dozens of these Dover publishing house “stained glass window” coloring books. The black boarders meant it didn’t matter if I strayed beyond the lines, it was very forgiving. Theses are from the Hindu Gods and Goddesses book, and they’re now displayed, faded, in the upper living room windows.

I designed these shoes, using some website. I was in the...

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 03:00:48 -0500

I designed these shoes, using some website. I was in the hospital when they actually arrived though, and I wrote this messages on the rubber:

“Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.@

On Laura Stephen, family ties, and madness | Open Letters Monthly - an Arts and Literature Review

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 14:22:41 -0500

On Laura Stephen, family ties, and madness | Open Letters Monthly - an Arts and Literature Review:

The subject is Virginia Woolf’s “mad” half-sister, Laura. The article is about Victorian families & expectations, Victorian treatment of the “imbeciles, idiots, and lunatics,” and the intersection of the two. Also, of course, about the role and influence of a mentally ill relative in a literary family.

Self Portraits of a Declining Brain William Utermohlen is...

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 13:03:16 -0500

Self Portraits of a Declining Brain

William Utermohlen is latest artist to be honored at the GV Art Gallery in London, with an event that has an emotional purpose that is near and dear to the hearts of many. Utermohlen spent the last twelve years of his life battling Alzheimer’s, a degenerative neurological disease that slowly took away his ability to do what he was most passionate about: his art.

At the event, his widow spoke to the many supporters, saying “He died in 2007, but really he was dead long before that. Bill died in 2000, when the disease meant he was no longer able to draw.”

This exhibit is known as William Utermohlen: Artistic decline through Alzheimer’s, as it explores the relationship between Utermohlen’s artwork and the progression and struggle with the disease.

Looking at his pieces as his disease progressed, a clear change is visible. As he slowly lost control over his movements, his composition and techniques changed as he was forced to abandon oils for easier-to-use watercolours and pencils. One thing that did not change throughout time, however, was the sheer mastery and vision displayed by has passion for the content of his pieces.

His paintings display a rarely seen insight into a mind effected by Alzheimer’s, as his struggle and frustration are imminent. Also changed by the progression of time and the disease were his subjects. He began to focus on self portraits and looming dark doorways in the backgrounds

His widow commented that, “it was as if he knew he was going to a very dark place and he knew he couldn’t do anything about it. By the end he couldn’t even recognise his own paintings… that was the saddest thing”.

Rarely does one get the opportunity to chronicle their own experience with mental decline. Even more rarely do we get to share and observe that troubled journey.

This art is that tale.

Pvt. Danny Chen, 1992–2011

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 14:42:59 -0500

Pvt. Danny Chen, 1992–2011:

longformorg:

A glimpse into the life and death of a soldier who committed suicide while on duty in Afghanistan:

The Army recently announced that it was charging eight soldiers — an officer and seven enlisted men — in connection with Danny Chen’s death. Five of the eight have been charged with involuntary manslaughter and negligent homicide, and the coming court-martial promises a fuller picture of the harrowing abuse Chen endured. But even the basic details are enough to terrify: What could be worse than being stuck at a remote outpost, in the middle of a combat zone, tormented by your superiors, the very same people who are supposed to be looking out for you? And why did a nice, smart kid from Chinatown, who’d always shied from conflict and confrontation, seek out an environment ruled by the laws of aggression?

Jennifer Gonnerman | New York | Jan 2012

It means, “act manic but don’t be...

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:50:15 -0500

It means, “act manic but don’t *be* manic.”

Do live life, though. Regrets are inevitable, accept them, just keep living.

I have never seen that kind of pill bottle in my life! What on earth, why would they use that shape? I get white bottles occasionally, those are boring.

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 18:17:00 -0500

Why indeed! It is very annoying. I have a mini fucking pharmacy so I’ve worked out a simple method: I write the names & mg of the contents on the lids and for the one I take PRN I screw the lid on upside down:

The weird shaped Target one totally fucks up my system.

And its much harder to rip the personal information stickers off.

And its ugly.

birdcage: This is great. This is great! Shit man, I knew I was...

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 22:47:31 -0500

birdcage:

This is great. This is great!

Shit man, I knew I was saving all my bottles for a reason. I’m gonna make a fucking chandelier. And then every person who ever told me I’m weak for taking medication, can suck my proverbial dick. Do they have a medication bottle chandelier? No they don’t. Their lives are dark and boring. Mine will be bright fucking orange and filled with light.

Yeah. What else can you do?

I once made the mistake to refill my prescriptions at Target. These things suck:

I fucking hate those. I stick with Walgreens

This is from a book of poems/prayers written a French nun and...

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 16:42:00 -0500

This is from a book of poems/prayers written a French nun and translated/published by Rumer Godden. The Prayer of the Ox is one of my favorites.

Dear God, give me time.
Men are always so driven!
Make them understand that I can never hurry.
Give me time to eat.
Give me time to plod.
Give me time to sleep.
Give me time to think.
Amen

Everyone is racing and that’s not me. I’m not simple, but my days are. Give me time, I’m good at this style.

“Mon Dieu, donnez-moi du temps.”

Reblog if you are always willing to help someone if they are in need. No matter who it is. Anyone can just message you.

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 21:33:54 -0500

This is me with my submission to the Mind Over Matter...

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 21:35:00 -0500

This is me with my submission to the Mind Over Matter ‘zine (How To: feel like your cat is with you in hospital). (I’m Allison, I have a psych blog called understandconfusion.)

And, well, here is the picture of my own cat that I had by my bed:

Its been one year since I was in hospital, and one month since she (Sitka) passed away.
2011 has been a rollercoaster, a whirlwind, a fucking senseless whip of events. It has been a very long year. And yet, here I am…

Rob Delaney: On Depression & Getting Help

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 16:56:59 -0500

Rob Delaney: On Depression & Getting Help:

This was originally posted February 26, 2010.

I deal with suicidal, unipolar depression and I take medication daily to treat it. Over the past seven years, I’ve had two episodes that were severe and during which I thought almost exclusively of suicide. I did not eat much and lost weight during…

My Christmas post one year ago

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 14:23:31 -0500

My Christmas post one year ago:

“christmas spent lying on the floor of the lounge bewilderingly watching an old vhs tape of popeye. i had no idea what was happening, and that was fitting.”

This year I’m sane and I’m with my extended family. Everyone is aware of the situation but nobody mentions it, and if someone says, “Wait what did we do last year?” someone else gives him a meaningful look and change the subject. I want to go for a walk and smoke but that would worry my parents. I’m tired. I’m surprised by how emotional this is for me.

UNDERSTAND CONFUSION

Diagnosing the Wrong Deficit - NYTimes.com

nevver: Sylvie Reuter

theparisreview: Dear Paris Review, I am currently suffering...

Controlled crazy

Midnight snack at the Caltrain station in SF, pit stop on the...

Tetris Shown to Lessen PTSD and Flashbacks

fotojournalismus: Psychiatric Hospital, Vladivostok, Russia,...

When I was crazy, a year ago, coloring was the only thing calmed...

I designed these shoes, using some website. I was in the...

On Laura Stephen, family ties, and madness | Open Letters Monthly - an Arts and Literature Review

Self Portraits of a Declining Brain William Utermohlen is...

Pvt. Danny Chen, 1992–2011

It means, “act manic but don’t *be*...

I have never seen that kind of pill bottle in my life! What on earth, why would they use that shape? I get white bottles occasionally, those are boring.

birdcage: This is great. This is great! Shit man, I knew I was...

This is from a book of poems/prayers written a French nun and...

Reblog if you are always willing to help someone if they are in need. No matter who it is. Anyone can just message you.

This is me with my submission to the Mind Over Matter...

Rob Delaney: On Depression & Getting Help

My Christmas post one year ago

It means, “act manic but don’t be...